Bisexual me
I was lucky enough to discover my bisexuality when I was a available guy, so I never had to come out to a girlfriend while we were in a committed relationship. Still, I have some idea of how intimidating it might feel for a lover to come out to his partner in a “heterosexual relationship.” I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve had men—especially older gay men—cock their heads to the side when I explain them I’m bisexual. I’ve even heard the response, “Oh, yeah? I was once bi, too.” I have to do everything in my power not to yell, “Just because you used ‘bi’ as a stepping-stone to queer doesn’t mean I am. It turns out everyone doesn’t have the similar exact sexual journey and attractions as you carry out, you self-centered schmuck!”
That’s the thing about coming out as a bisexual male, either to a companion or just to anyone at all: People often don’t believe us. They think we’re just taking a pitstop on the way to Gay Town. On the flip side, if they do think we’re “genuinely” bisexual (whatever the fuck that means), they’ll then assume a buttload of negative stereotypes about us: We’re hungry, we’re confused, we spread STIs, we’re incapable of being monogamous, and so on. And if you’re a
When I Call Myself Bisexual
I wrote this essay six months ago, to be posted online in conjunction with the June reissue of Bi Any Other Name, the landmark anthology of writings by bisexuals that Loraine Hutchins and Lani Ka&#;ahumanu co-edited almost twenty-five years ago. I had originally intended the piece to serve as a personal statement about my relationships to the books I publish. However, the New York Times Magazine recently ran a cover story titled “Bisexuality Comes Out of the Closet,” an article that opens with “The scientific quest to prove—once and for all—that someone (even a man) can truly be attracted to both a man…and a woman.” With that kind of prelude, I knew the article would be strenuous going, and it was. There’s a lot of science and data discussed, much talk of “sexual arousal patterns” “genital monitoring,” and “evidence from prior studies.” On the whole the article is stable and sometimes insightful, owing in no small part to the fact that bisexuals themselves are quoted throughout and important points are raised from their perspectives. I don’t accept issue with how the subject matter is presented necessarily but that the Times felt they had to run the
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Telling people that you are bisexual can seem a big step, but for many it's a way to get comfortable with your sexuality and to stop feeling like you're "hiding".
But should you come out? And if you choose you should, who should you come out to, and how should you do it?
The first person you need to come out to, and perhaps the only person you really have to come out to, is yourself. Are you bisexual? When you come out to yourself it can be quite enlightening - being honest about who you are and who you're attracted. It can feel like taking a load off of your shoulders. Take your period, look at what you feel and what feels right for you. There is no rush!
Fred - "When I was a teenager and came out to my parents and older sister, they said they already knew I was bi. That's been a bit of a theme for me, actually. I've had a second phase of coming out bi, since my marriage ended, as some people who first knew me as 'a person married to a man' assumed I was heterosexual. Nobody seems particularly surprised to discover that I'm bi, though!"
If you've done that, and you sense you do want to come out to ot
By Zachary Zane
When I finally embraced my bisexuality five long years after kissing my first man, I was elated, convinced that the world would now be my oyster. I thought being bisexual would double my chances of a date on any given Friday night. I couldn’t have been more wrong.
Women didn’t want to date me, fearing that I was using the bi label as a stepping stone to entity “full-blown” gay. Whether or not they’d openly accept it, many feared I’d inevitably leave them for a man. The homosexual men I dated didn’t hold this fallacious faith. Rather, they were unbelievably condescending. They’d say things like, “Oh, honey! I was bi too. You’ll get there.” When I reaffirmed my bisexuality, letting them know that this isn’t a pitstop, but a final destination, they’d respond, “I know you think that. I did too.”
So I stopped telling people I was attracted to both genders, at least on the first date. It wasn’t that I was ashamed of being attracted to all genders or attempting to hide my bisexuality. I hoped that if they got to recognize and trust me, they would believe I was bisexual. I also figured it would be easier to then assuage any fears they might possess that I’d leave them for a person of anot
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